Lost

So I haven't written in quite a while, which means I have a lot to say. Be prepared.......So here I am sitting at my kitchen table alone on my computer writing this blog. Michael who is now 3 years and 8 months old is at his grandmas house for the night. And Adam who just turned two last month is in bed. So why am I alone when I just got married on July 14th of 2012. Well I wish I had a good answer. You see as I sit here writing my husband happens to be at the neighbors having a grand ole time well I have been trying to put my two year old to bed. And oh did I mention that I made a really nice dinner and he didn't even want to eat any of it. But if I wouldn't have cooked he would have been mad. So what do I do.....absolutely nothing. Why.....because there is nothing left to do. So I am left with this.....I am married to a husband who works all week and spends his weekends working on his car, snowmobile, or dirt bike. Or even better helping someone else besides his own family. If I want to have a conversation with him I have to follow him around and half the time he is not even listening. Now you may be thinking....If it was like this then why did you have kids and get married. Well..because things were great before. We had some battles after Michael was born but things have always seemed to work out. And when we decided to get married we hadn't had a fight in months. Everything was almost perfect. But after we got married something changed and I cant even figure out what it is. Sometimes I feel like we don't spend enough time together so we are slowly growing apart. And it makes me feel sad. I don't even know what to think anymore really. It doesn't seem to matter whether the house is clean or dirty, whether I ask him to come inside, I am still "yelling" or better yet "bitching". It just doesn't matter it seems. So here I sit having a little pitty party for myself...yay me!  I remember before I had kids I knew exactly what I wanted. Now I have not clue. I know what I want for my kids. But I guess with having them I have really lost who I am. I have always put myself last because they are the most important thing in the world for me. I don't even have any hobbies anymore. I got asked what I like to do the other day for fun and my answer was "I painted my nails". How pathetic  that. And I don't really even like painting my nails cause all I ever do is pick of the polish. I'm lost in a world full of toddlers, diapers, and a stressful marriage. I used to paint all the time. I loved it. And I wasn't great at it, but it didn't matter. Now I don't even have money to buy painting supplies or the time to do it. I also used to go to college online. But it got hard when my husband wouldn't watch his own kids when I had a test. Or he would just say "are you almost done, I have stuff to do". How rude is that. So I always had to depend on my mom. And of course when I quite after completing a year I got the " I knew you couldn't do it anyways, you need to just listen to me more". Now I am not perfect either. And my husband does work full time and provide financially for us. He also takes side work whenever he can. And I know on his free time he does want to work on his stuff, which he should be able to do. The kids just adore him too. The hard part is that we have totally different jobs and it makes things complicated. I stay at home all week and clean and take care of the kids, whereas his is at work everyday. So the weekend comes along and what happens. I want to get out of the house, and he wants to be home. I think that has a lot to do with our problems. I know that God would not give me more than I could handle. And I know that there is a reason why things are the way they are. For one it could be much worse. I know that this blog was kind of bashing my husband. And I have contemplated on posting it. But I am going to. Sometimes we just need to vent. And I really do love him very much. And I am blessed with two beautiful boys, and dog, a house (that is rather small but still a house), and I am able to pay all my bills and buy food. So I really couldn't ask for much more. Except maybe a little guidance to help me through the confusing times.